Are you wondering about how to deal with in-law conflict as a couple lately? If these difficulties are becoming a major drag on your relationship, you certainly aren’t alone.
In-law jokes abound and most of us have laughed at a few of them at some point. But when relational stress due to in-laws enters the life of a couple, the experience is far from a joking matter.
In fact, too many times, if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry (or else really lose your cool).
The following advice isn’t just for married couples. Many committed couples who haven’t officially tied the knot experience the same “in-law” challenges.
So, what’s a guy or girl to do when the in-law arrangement becomes more like a script out of “Everybody Loves Raymond”? Let’s first look at a common in-law conflict pattern and then we’ll end with a few quick tips for navigating “rough waters”.
A Common Way that In-Law Conflicts Play Out
First, You Feel Attacked – A situation arises where you feel offended or demeaned by your in-laws. It feels unjust and is hurtful.
Secondly, You Don’t Feel Validated – You feel like your spouse or partner doesn’t stick up for you when these attacks happen. Most often, your spouse is trying unsuccessfully to make both sides happy — your in-laws and you. When it comes to how to deal with in-law conflict, your spouse feels like there’s no way to win.
Maybe your significant other wasn’t there when the scuffle happened and doesn’t believe your account or figures you’re over-reacting. Maybe they justify the hurtful behavior of the offending party (“That’s just Al being Al”).
Or perhaps your partner saw the entire thing happen and still did nothing, only increasing the likelihood that the attacks will take place again in the future.
Another possibility is that you feel there’s a double standard going on—your in-laws are able to “dish it out” but when you stick up for yourself, it’s portrayed as being all your fault.
Lastly, You Attack Back – These “counter-attacks” take several forms and can be either aggressive or passive aggressive in nature.
The likelihood that you’ll fail to handle this in a civil way increases because you don’t feel like anyone has your back, even your spouse or partner.
You may get into a face-to-face confrontation with your in-laws, run them down in the presence of your partner or talk badly about them to others outside of your family.
In light of this common in-law friction pattern, here are some tips for handling conflict without losing your cool.
Avoid Demeaning or Attacking Your In-Laws
The first step in how to deal with in-law conflict is refraining from demeaning your in-laws. Although attacking your in-laws is a pretty normal response given the above scenario, that doesn’t mean it’s a healthy one.
First, it creates an impossible situation for your partner — the need to choose between either you or their family. Your partner also feels personally attacked when you attack their family because, like it or not, they’re inevitably a part of it.
You’re likely trying to draw out your partner’s loyalty by slinging mud at the opposition but in the process are getting exactly what you don’t want—less and less loyalty.
Secondly, the bitterness you harbor against your in-laws harms you the most by stealing your happiness and making you an angry, revengeful person.
If you have children, they’re also negatively affected by this ongoing friction. They feel caught in the middle between their parents and grandparents. They can feel stressed and exasperated because they don’t know how to make both sides happy.
Make Sure You’re Not Alone with Your In-Laws
If you live a relatively happy existence with your in-laws, you’re the envy of many, many couples. This advice doesn’t as aptly apply to you in this case.
However, if that isn’t you, it’s best to avoid situations where you’ll be alone with your in-laws. Some in-laws have bullying tendencies but often won’t exhibit them around your spouse. That’s how bullies often operate – in isolation.
Stay close to your spouse and watch these episodes decline dramatically in many cases. This is an often-overlooked one for those who want to know how to deal with in-law conflict.
Create Healthy In-Law Boundaries
It’s important for you and your partner to be on the same page about how to maintain a healthy relationship with your in-laws.
This balance often is complicated when your in-laws live nearby. For instance, it’s best to always discuss extended family related plans before scheduling them. Otherwise, your partner may feel like their in-laws are sabotaging your time as a family.
You also may need to set other boundaries such as in-laws calling before dropping over or that when your partner is belittled by your parents or other in-laws, you confront it in a calm but confident manner.
Learn How to Deal With In-Law Conflict Through Counseling
In-law conflicts can be extremely difficult to handle on your own. One of you doesn’t feel validated and respected. The other feels like their family is being attacked.
It can be hard to meet in the middle in these cases and discuss the matter calmly.
A skilled professional, first, can provide a non-biased, third-party opportunity to work through problems which commonly lead to a “blow up” when you try to handle them on your own.
Although you need to foster healthy interactions with your in-laws, your immediate family always comes first.
“There can be no divided loyalties. When you get married and start your own family, that’s where your primary loyalty needs to be,” says Dr. Phillip McGraw in his article, “10 Tips For Managing Your In-Laws.”
Interested in Scheduling an Appointment?
Are you currently experiencing in-law conflict? Schedule an appointment today to see how therapy can help to improve your relationship.
Your counselor will use proven and evidence-based methods to help you overcome in-law conflict. Undealt with, this stress can really erode away the health of your relationship but things don’t have to stay that way.
You can reclaim your family and your sanity. Located in Valencia, California, Therapy With Compassion is ready to help you bring peace and calm to your family once again.