Is your relationship struggling because you don’t get along with your spouse’s family? If so, you’re experiencing a very common problem.
The fact that in-law disputes are common doesn’t make them any less hurtful, however. They can be extremely painful.
Some of the biggest disagreements couples experience often revolve around each other’s family. The major problem is that our families are highly personal matters to us. When a spouse doesn’t agree with our family, we tend to feel personally attacked.
What happens next in these cases is often an argument. You need to get along with your spouse’s family for your own sanity and the sake of your relationship but how?
Here are a few key ways to do just that.
Ask for Your Spouse’s Loyalty to You Over Their Family
The most foundational issue when it comes to in-law conflict is that you need to be loyal to each other in the marriage above anyone outside of it.
In his Psychology Today article, 3 Rules for Getting Along With Your In-Laws, Karl Pillemer, Ph.D. has this to say:
“In a conflict between your spouse and your family, support your spouse.”
Few couples are prepared for the loyalty conflicts they’ll face after marriage. The luckiest ones get a healthy dose of premarital counseling that warns of this potential pitfall.
The lucky ones are preciously few, however.
So, most go into marriage thinking everything is business as usual. Business as usual, that is, until there’s a conflict between the family your spouse grew up in and you.
Who does your spouse side with when this happens? Too often, loyalty goes back to the family they grew up in. And that’s a recipe for big-time arguments.
Every. Single. Time.
Your loyalty should always go to your spouse first. It’s a vital ingredient to the health of a family. Without that loyalty, trust breaks down and a multitude of factions that could tear your relationship to pieces crop up.
If you don’t get along with your spouse’s family and feel like your spouse is being more loyal to their family than you? Discuss this with your spouse as soon as possible (And as calmly as possible).
If you and your spouse can’t agree on this, it’s best that you seek professional help to improve the chances of solving this impasse. Ideally, you should seek therapy with your spouse. If your spouse refuses to come, you’ll still greatly benefit from the professional support you receive through individual therapy.
Few things are more painful than your spouse siding with their family over you. It almost certainly reinforces that these bullying tactics by their family will continue. It also feels much like a form of marital infidelity (trust has been broken in a major way).
Don’t Get Along With Your Spouse’s Family? Get Along for Your Spouse
If you’re like many couples, you likely have a decent relationship with your spouse. Your in-laws, however, may seem like alien life forms compared to your spouse.
The reality is that you’ve committed to loving your spouse in all areas of life. Some of those love aspects are easy to carry out. Some of them are painfully difficult to fulfill.
It’s up to you to figure out how to get along with your spouse’s family for the sake of your spouse. If you make this unnecessarily difficult, your actions could tempt your spouse back to being more loyal to their parents and siblings than you.
One of the key ways you can keep your spouse’s loyalty on your side is by not talking badly about your spouse’s family. As much as possible, accompany your spouse to events with their family.
If things are unusually bad with your in-laws, it could be best to stay away from them for a while. If you don’t feel like anything good will come from being with them, consider this as a last resort.
Don’t Let a Peripheral Issue Destroy Your Marriage
Your spouse should take more priority than anyone else in the world. That means that no person or situation should be allowed to have the power to undo your bond.
Do whatever it takes to protect your marriage from in-law conflict. That may mean doing any of the following:
· Forgiving your in-laws for past hurts
· Apologizing to your spouse or in-laws for ways you’ve wronged them
· Having a discussion with your spouse about loyalty
· Setting appropriate in-law boundaries
· Refraining from putting down your in-laws
· Protecting yourself from in-law bullying tactics and asking your spouse to help with this
· Seeking couples counseling to handle unresolved conflicts with your spouse
Although no one would say that getting along with your spouse’s family is always easy, there are ways to make things better than they were.
If you don’t get along with your spouse’s family, Therapy With Compassion can help you find better ways to cope and thrive in your marriage. Scheduling an appointment is quick and easy.