Same Argument Patterns? How Emotionally Focused Therapy Can Help

Are you having the same argument again and are you tired of living that way?

Good.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) may be able to help. EFT has been found effective in helping couples break out of “same argument patterns.”

The great news is this treatment is considered short-term in that it typically involves only 8 to 20 sessions. That means a small amount of EFT packs quite the punch. It may be effective in helping you leave behind the ongoing topics you fight about as a couple.

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?

There are three main phases of EFT. The focus of this therapy is on the here and now.

De-escalation is the first stage. This is where you work through the initial practice of stopping the continual hurting of each other.

Same argument reoccurrences can get ugly. One person hurts the other. The hurt partner defends themselves and delivers a blow to the other and so this pattern goes back and forth unless broken up.

Worse than the initial argument phase is the cold silence and distancing that can take place after an argument. This can last for days or weeks. For some, it becomes a way of life—and a miserable existence at that.

Each person in the relationship is on their guard—ready to defend themselves at a moment’s notice or to take part in a counterattack if needed. But EFT can help to eradicate those harmful relational patterns and lead to bonding.

You work through those hurtful patterns that lead to arguments along with your therapist. You learn what triggers them and how to avoid them. You come to learn that distance and insecurities are your enemies—not each other. By getting rid of the distancing and insecurities, you naturally grow closer together.

Interaction Restructuring is the second stage. At this point, you work with your therapist to relate with each other in a meaningful way. You openly discuss your fears and insecurities.

More importantly, this stage is designed to teach you to interact in a way that brings the two of you together. You learn more honest communication that focusses on the emotions you’re feeling (things far too vulnerable to bring up when tensions were constantly running too high).

You get a relational toolbox filled to the brim with ways to bond instead of doing things that tear you apart.

Consolidation is the final stage of EFT. This is the resolution phase. Your therapist will show you how far you’ve come and help you see the vast difference between the way you interacted before EFT as compared with after.

Your counselor will also encourage you to keep using the skills you learned to grow closer together (bond).

The effect is that the same nasty snowball rolling downhill that led to innumerable relational ills gets rolling in the opposite direction. Instead of pushing each other further apart, you pull each other closer together.

And because of the positive momentum that a close bond creates, the danger of the need to pull out your relational toolbox decreases. More and more, increased bonding happens naturally. And as that bond grows, you become a happier, healthier couple.

Could you go back to where you were before you started EFT at that point? I suppose you could.

But the more important question is, “Why would you want to?”

Are You Stuck in the Same Argument Pattern?

You may feel like you’ll never get out but there’s hope. At Therapy With Compassion, we have advanced training in EFT leading to the best possible results for this type of counseling.

Although we can’t guarantee success, we’ve seen many couples drastically improve their relationships through EFT. Same argument patterns are a terrible way to live life but EFT can help.

You can schedule an appointment with Therapy With Compassion today and start bonding as a couple instead of pushing each other away!