Few things today are as destructive for relationships as the greener grass syndrome is.
Because of technology, today’s couples have a front-row seat to “better” livelihoods, fame, vacations, bodies and adventure than ever before. It can be easy to start wondering if we should go for “better” too.
But is it really as good as it looks? That’s the question we need to answer.
Let’s just say that most of the time, it isn’t.
What The Greener Grass Syndrome Looks Like in Relationships
The greener grass syndrome tempts us to look at our mate and think, “they don’t look that good” or “they don’t make that much money.” And the list goes on.
But the question to consider is, are those things that tug at us really as good as they appear? And are they as enduring as they seem?
After all, a flashy lure looks really good to a fish. It seems to be exactly what it wants. Sadly, it’s only after the fact that the fish finds the lure wasn’t at all what it wanted or needed.
And so, it often is with relationships. We chase after the shiny things we think someone or something new will give us. Too often, though, we don’t realize that the pursuit was a dead end until it’s too late.
Are you buying into “the grass is greener syndrome” in your relationship? It’s often easy to do without realizing it. If so, here are some reasons to say “no” to that unhealthy and destructive thinking pattern.
Affair-Proof Your Relationship by Saying “No” to this Syndrome
The greener grass syndrome can be damaging to your relationship if you’re starting to entertain the thought that being with someone else would be better.
At this point, the focus isn’t on what you can change about yourself to make the relationship better. Your frustration becomes directed at your mate. Their flaws are magnified while yours are minimized.
You may gain something if you change relationships that you don’t have now. What most fail to see until after the fact is that you’ll likely also lose some things in the process. Things that matter a great deal to you.
Our fantasy-based optimism tricks us into thinking that we’ll have all we have now and more. Eventually, that undealt-with fantasy causes us to grow bored and disappointed with our new relationship. The cycle will repeat itself again unless it’s properly worked through.
This pattern of thinking isn’t just found in one area of life, though. It is the constant “I’ll be happy when” trap.
You’ll be happy when you finish school, get a better job, move to a nicer town, drive a more expensive car, or when you find someone who treats you better than your current partner.
This isn’t saying that you should just accept circumstances that would be healthy to change. Rather, the point is to take a hard evaluation and decide whether the change you’re considering will actually be a good thing.
Saying “No” to Greener Grass Improves Your Happiness
If you learn to challenge this flawed thinking pattern, your current relationship will become happier and more fulfilling.
The truth is, as the saying goes, “the grass is greener where you water it.” It’s silly to think we have to keep going out and finding something new when it comes to relationships.
Why not make what we already have better?
By nurturing our current commitment, we can make it into what we want. If we just pick out the faults of our partner, that’s not going to happen. Things will become so miserable that we’ll want out.
No one can be happy in a relationship when they’re constantly thinking about what they don’t have.
Psychotherapist, Nathan Feiles, describes the reason for this unhappiness and discontentment as follows:
“It’s impossible to feel settled and content in the present because there’s always that gnawing feeling that the perfect scenario that will liberate you from your emotional distress is waiting on the other side of a major change.”
Feiles’ thinking is also in line with the idea that “comparison robs contentment.” If we can focus on what we have instead of what we don’t, we can find happiness.
That means you need to say goodbye to the greener grass syndrome. There is no happiness in that line of thinking.
Nurture what you have. Make your own grass greener through hard work and you’ll surely find relational happiness.
Wrapping Things Up
Feiles sums up the conclusion of the matter well:
“The idea is to build an internal place of stability, rather than jumping around in your external life to compensate for a lack of internal stability.”
Whenever we look toward outward circumstances to make us happy, we’re very much in danger of getting the exact opposite of what we want.
Rather, happiness must come from within us. It springs from a healthy inner life.
It must come from making our inner selves rich which is a peace that money can’t buy. A new partner can’t provide it for you, either.
That kind of contentment can lead us to be happy even when things aren’t always ideal.
Need help working through “the grass is greener syndrome?” Now is a great time to schedule a couples’ therapy appointment.
There’s a much more fulfilling way to approach your relationship!