If you want a happy relationship, here’s a good question to ask:
Would you characterize your relationship as a positive-thinking relationship or a negative-thinking one?
The answer to that question will quickly tell you whether you’re struggling as a couple or thriving and happy. Negativity is like a cancer that weakens your relationship or like rust that slowly disintegrates its strength.
Before going any further, let’s address the belief that positivity is something that you either inherently have or that you don’t.
“Most people think that you cannot create positivity—it’s either there or it’s not—but they’re wrong. You can definitely encourage yourself and your loved ones to be and feel more positive. You just have to learn how to do it, as many others have done,” says psychotherapist, Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D.
In light of Goldsmith’s affirmation that you can become more positive as a couple, here are some ideas on how to do just that.
Maintaining a Happy Relationship When Things are Bad
No matter how happy your relationship is, bad things will eventually happen in your life that are beyond your control.
People you love will die, you may lose a job or your health. Your finances could drain to zero or you could develop a broken relationship with one of your children.
What will you do as a couple when you get beat up by life? Your choices will have a major bearing on whether you’ll have a happy relationship or the opposite.
That isn’t to say you won’t suffer through grief. Not working through grief is far dangerous in the end than ignoring it.
Positive thinking also doesn’t mean denying the existence of bad things or hard times in your life.
What it does mean is that you and your partner communicate to identify unhealthy, inaccurate thinking patterns. Once you step back and notice the negativity in your life, you replace that thinking with something good and healthy.
Positive thinking in your relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll always have a smile pasted on your face. Rather it’s the quiet contentment of having your thoughts in order and saying no to internal dialogue that won’t help you as a couple.
That’s what will truly make you happy in your relationship.
Idealism and a Happier Relationship
One term used to describe thinking the best of your partner is “idealism” and it can increase your happiness as a couple.
Again, this doesn’t mean believing lies for the sake of extreme positivity. What it does mean is thinking the best of your partner and giving them the benefit of the doubt.
It also means dwelling on the positive traits of your partner and becoming happier as a result. What happens too often in relationships is that we dwell on the negatives regarding our partners. Doing so, quickly makes us feel unhappy and unfulfilled in our relationship.
It may seem innocent and you may think your partner doesn’t notice your negativity. Your partner will eventually find out, though. It’s only a matter of time until those thoughts come out in actions. Actions that show you take your partner for granted or that you aren’t happy with them.
If you develop the thinking that your partner is the perfect match for you, however, most of the time, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. By magnifying his or her best traits, your partner will be encouraged to become even better than before.
Put their bad traits under the microscope, and you’ll also have a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your partner will become what you expect. You expected a disappointing partner and your negativity led to just that—a disappointing partner who was just what you thought they would be.
Transparency Plus Positivity Equals a Happy Relationship
Working on being more positive can be a lot of fun if you work at it together. This means that you share negative thoughts you’ve been having about yourself and others with each other.
Then, you help the other to get rid of negativity and replace those unhelpful thoughts with something positive.
It could be that your relationship is struggling right now and that being too transparent could make things worse. In that case, start with struggles that are less personal to your relationship.
Another great way to jump-start the happiness of your relationship is to get some couples’ counseling. Your therapist can help you replace negative thoughts and can introduce the therapy behind it known as cognitive behavioral therapy.
One thing’s for sure. If you start thinking better in your relationship, it will get happier in a hurry!