Dealing with grief as a couple is inevitable. But is the core of our being prepared for such adversity? Are our hearts ready for such a struggle?
Almost never.
Every day, we see the suffering of people around the world via various media forms. You’d think that would make us readier when grief pays a visit. Ironically, just the opposite often happens.
All those stories about grief desensitize us and fool us into thinking that grief is out there for someone else—that maybe we’ll never be touched by it.
But just like there are mountaintop experiences in life, there can be some really deep valleys.
What do you do as a couple when grief pays you a visit? Here are some thoughts.
Dealing with Grief: Learn Together How Grief Happens
The truth is that everyone handles grief differently. But if you can increase your knowledge about grief as a couple, it will help once you experience it.
The work of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross has enabled many to make better sense of grief since the 1970s. You’ve probably heard of The Five Stages of Grief.
Ross developed those stages by observing terminally ill patients who were dealing with grief.
The common themes (or stages) she noticed included: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
There are several important things to note about Ross’s findings.
First, her stages of grief have been found helpful in understanding more forms of grief than just the loss of a loved one like we usually think of.
Job loss, financial disaster, divorce and the loss of our health are just a few examples of grief that are very real although no one has died.
The second thing to keep in mind about Ross’s work is that it’s frequently misunderstood in a big way.
Many wrongly assume Ross meant that The Five Stages of Grief happen in a logical order.
That actually isn’t the case, nor is it what Ross intended.
We all sometimes feel the need to make sense of complex life issues like grief by oversimplifying them. Imagining that grief happens like you’re running through a timeline may momentarily ease our nerves.
However, it does the process of grief a disservice. Those steps happen in any old order they want with varying degrees of severity. They hit in waves.
The one predictable aspect of grief is that, by nature, it’s unpredictable.
Deep human suffering and how it’s expressed refuses to be placed in a neat, tidy box.
Dealing with Grief as a Couple: Stronger Together
You can’t possibly predict how your partner will react to grief. You can’t even predict how you’ll react to grief, in fact!
Grief tears some relationships apart because of the strain it can add to life. Before that happens, seek the help of a trusted professional to guide your communication during this difficult time.
Your partner isn’t the enemy—deep down you know that. But the highs and lows of grief can sometimes test the strongest of relationships.
“Hurting people hurt people,” as the saying goes, and there’s the danger of lashing out at your partner when you’re in pain.
Now is the time to support each other—to emerge from your sorrow stronger than before.
Now is the time, more than ever, to realize what it means to be on the same team. That you’re in each other’s corner no matter what.
To realize that this isn’t going to beat you and you’re going to become stronger as a result.
Grief Can Turn You and Your Relationship into Something Beautiful
It’s important to keep that in mind. Grief is a heavy topic but there are some very real results of it that can lead to a good outcome.
That certainly isn’t how we see it at the time and understandably so.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross couldn’t help but notice a desirable outcome in those who deeply suffered (although, again, the path to get there was anything but desirable).
Beauty.
Beauty from the ashes, some would say and that’s exactly it.
A person refined by hardship who’s a greater partner and friend after deep suffering. And a relationship that the toughest of waves pounded against but could not undo.
Ross had this to say in her book, “On Death and Dying” about the beauty that can come from grief:
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths.”
Struggling with grief as a couple?
Therapy with Compassion can walk with you through your sadness. Yes, even from your pain, beauty and healing can emerge.